That’s right fellas, there seems to be a new drug circulating on campus and a female student has already fallen victim to this pill. Your mission is to go undercover as college freshmen and find the source of this drug.
Aside from the fact that you and your partner are in your 30s with IQs equivalent to that your age, you are perfectly capable of accomplishing this assignment… Or are you?!
Lucky for you, ManPossible's top secret lab was just set up. Here’s a college survival grooming crash course… specific to the crowd you’re investigating.
Oh yea, it’s like high school all over again. You thought jocks were just a high school phase and that people would mature in college. Well, think again! These selective group of individuals are the alpha males of college. Their sole purpose in attending college is to play sports and make a name for themselves in one of the many Greek letter houses.
In order to fit in with the cool peeps on campus, you’ll need to equip yourself with basic knowledge and a flashy hair do. For starters, the iconic “Ivy League” cut, would be your best bet to get into the hottest rush parties. Simply go to your regular barber or stylist and show him or her a picture of George Clooney. Within a matter of minutes, you will emerge as the torch bearing athlete of Greece. [A fun fact – in the show that launched George Clooney’s career, ER, he had the “Caesar Cut”. How fitting is this?]
Simply having the hair do doesn’t give you all access at the party. What you now need is to smell like one of them. Nothing screams “I work out” like the generic off-the-shelf deodorants and body sprays that smell like the men’s locker room. To achieve that effect, we recommend applying brands such as Axe and Old Spice. If you are feeling adventurous and short on cash, try spraying yourself down with some Febreze (although we REALLY don’t recommend it), you’ll fit right in.
Now, you spotted a potential suspect and want to approach her to start a conversation. Having spent all week drinking and partying, you don’t have time to brush your teeth or do any proper grooming. No worries, that’s why mouthwashes and teeth whiteners were invented. Products such as Crest 3D White Strips and Listerine Flavored Mouthwash (BE SURE IT’S FLAVORED) will be your best friends. As a matter-of-fact, you don’t even need to bother shaving with a straightedge razor or shave at all. To you, your masculinity is defined by the rigid stubbles you call facial hair.
With your better looking and physically superior partner hanging out with the jocks, it is your duty to get in the good with the hipsters. Simply calling these individuals hipsters seems to be an understatement. The students that fall into this bracket range from tree hugging freedom fighters to egotistic startup entrepreneurs. Being able to speak in poetry and fit in a pair of skinny jeans are prerequisites. But in addition, you’ll need to have to give off a clean and sophisticated look.
Let’s start with hair wax and hair gels. No hipster leaves home without applying one of these two products in their hair. Whether you like to have spikes, slick-backs, or the “Skrillex”, brands such as Gatsby, Got2B, and Sumotech, have the perfect products that will keep your hair styled while you do what hipsters do.
Having facial hair is not limited to the frat boys. It’s also evident in the hipster community. One thing to be clear, facial hair in the hipster circle is much more organized and pampered than the jocks. To grow a face full of hair is a privilege and grants you honor and respect from your clan. For that matter, you will need to take proper care of your beard and mustache. It’s is part art, part science. Be sure to comb it thoroughly and trim off any excess hair to achieve that “organized mess” look.
Keep in mind the hipster circle also includes potential founders of the next Facebook. You’ll want to get good with those guys whether it’s to find evidence or secure a future job at a startup. These guys don’t usually party and they are very hygienic. This means showering once a day with actual body wash products such soaps and shampoo. In this situation, ditch the AXE and Old Spice and move on over to the brands like, CK Eternity Aqua or brands such as Gucci, Dolce&Gabbana, CREED, and Ralph Lauren. Getting into a regular habit of brushing your teeth will not only do your body good, but it will open numerous conversation opportunities.
Well, there you go gents. That is all the grooming advice you’ll need to successfully go undercover in college. Be sure to stay groomed, study hard, and kick ass! If you ever need advice, you know where to find us.