The world is a BIG place! There’s never a day that goes by without the chance to learn something new. This is particularly true in the world of grooming… Within a short span of two years, we’ve come across an ever growing list of many interesting grooming and lifestyle products that took our edumacation to another level…
[This post is strictly based off of our own version of the Squatty Potty aka Marlo our office dog. Marlo was not harmed in anyway during our experiment. He simply enjoyed an awesome back rub along with a big steak for his voluntary participation in the name of grooming science.]
To understand the purpose of the Squatty Potty, we must first explain the origin of “the magical poop aka the rainbow”. The story happened around the same time humans discovered fire… Long long ago, when your great great great… grandfather was just a caveman, he was a master at creating beautiful “rainbows”. You see, anyone can create “rainbows”, but what differentiates perfect “rainbows” from the shitty ones is mastering the control of one’s tush muscle. As humans have evolved from barbaric nudists to sophisticated grooming aristocrats, natural selection eventually eliminated those who squatted due to the lack of mate attraction and exposure to natural disassters.
As time progressed from the traditional squatting position to a more modern sitting posture, the way in which we let “rainbows” loose has also changed. No longer did humans command the power of the perfect “rainbow” at will. As a matter of fact, the adoption to the new posture actually made the “rainbow” process much more difficult. Instead of a single stream rainbow, the new upright sitting posture forced our abdominal muscles to further tighten our colon and made the experience a lot more tiresome and time consuming.
Fear not fellow gents. No more numb legs from sitting on the throne too long. We have your solution! Allow us to introduce our very own squatty potty - Marlo the dog. What we have here is a 40 lb Labrador, Poodle, and other dog breed mix. Marlo has dark brown eyes and a wirily fluffy beige fur. Marlo is longer in length than he is tall. For these specific characteristics, Marlo was the perfect squatty potty replica.
To begin this experiment, we had our volunteer subject perform the same “rainbow” making task on two occasions under a tightly controlled environment. Below were our findings:
Experiment #1 – No Marlo
Our subject sat on the throne in the traditional upright position. After a rough 8 minutes of newspaper reading, Facebook browsing and YouTube video watching, our subject finally completed the task. When asked how he felt, we were told the entire process was much more tiresome and required a lot of core power from the stomach. Further more, the rainbow residues were actually in droplets with inconsistent size and pieces.
Experiment #2 – With Marlo
For our second experiment, our subject gracefully lowered his behind onto the rim of the throne to a sitting position. From there we introduce our “Bootleg Squatty Potty” aka Marlo. Without even giving him a command, Marlo parked himself to the feet of a sitting human subject. Once Marlo was in a comfortable position, the subject than lifted his feet and position them on Marlo’s back. This new posture formed a scientifically rough 45 degree angle from the person’s thighs down to his stomach, which resembled the position of a squat. In a matter of 4 minutes, before the man could hit the skip button on YouTube, he was up and ready to conquer the world. When we asked about the experience, we were told he felt much lighter and required less effort. The “rainbow” was also in a uniform shape (maybe a bit TMI).
After our carefully regulated science experience, our scientists have come to the following conclusion: With the usage of the “Bootleg Squatty Potty”, we saw a dramatic increase in the user performance time as well as a much more artful delivery of the final product. It goes without objection that the “Bootleg Squatty Potty” is an effective invention everyone should get behind! If your investment in the real Squatty Potty is too burdensome to your bottomline, we’d like to suggest investing in a highly scientific alternative method of getting a 40 lb mutt (which you’ll need to feed, walk, bathe, love, etc., etc. in return for your 5 minutes of undivided “rainbow” time, daily).
Note to the Squatty Potty folks: We hope you enjoyed our article. We’d love an opportunity to properly test two (wink) and give it the bottoms up review, that it deserves… that sculpted slim model is so us ;) ;)